Forget it Five Friday...

Buddy of mine (JSkelty) has decided to join a cool group called Ten Thing Tuesday. I like the idea - post ten things you are thankful for. Well, being the butt that I am, I figured there is a way my style of writing can partake.

I give you..... Forget it Five Friday. I will list 5 things that I could really do without. While I am very thankful, I think this new look at it will help me steer clear of the things that steal my top ten thankful things.

1. Forget quotas.... my whole life is filled with them. Can't stand em, don't care about em. Just know I will do what I can do.... that is it.

2. Forget car repair people (besides Scott, who fixed my brakes yesterday).... those of us that are practically clueless are just a bunch of victims to your scare tactics and car part jargon. So what, I don't know what a caliper is and why it is important that it doesn't stick. I don't care.

3. Forget potty training.... even when I think #3 has it down, she wakes me up with urine EVERYWHERE! How can something that small have so much urine... really!?!?!?

4. Forget storms with excessive hail, wind, and flooding.... I think I am part dog cuz whenever the wind starts howling in the early morning, it is me and the Jack Russell just sitting there shaking in the corner, pissing on ourselves and looking for shelter. Wait, maybe #3 heard the storm too?

5. Forget joy stealers... I know that I am one of those too at times (maybe even to the good people that did top ten tuesday), but for the love of Pete, can I just enjoy a minute of victory? How about finding out that we overpaid the hospital on a bill only to find out that something the doctor did is not covered and will take double the overpayment to pay it off.... freaking joy stealer.

Man, it is good to get it off my chest

Do I look fat in these jeans?

I don't know what it is.... maybe being surrounded by 6 women at home, surrounded by 8 women in the office, having about 50% of my friends as women, but I think I am hormonal or going through manstration.

One minute I am happy, the next miserable. I ate half a turkey wrap last night and felt bloated all evening. I watched the "last lecture" from Randy Pausch (go to Skelty's blog as reference and click on it) and I am an emotional wreck. Mind you, I am not bawling, but I do have the lump in the throat and just one father/daughter song from crying my eyes out. By the way, how many more stupid Cinderella songs are there?!?! I mean it is bad enough that #3 has officially changed her name to Cinderella, but to hear these stinking songs about dancing with your daughter and watching her grow up... PLEASE stop! I am begging you. Add to that that one minute my kids are hitting every nerve they can and then the next, I can't stop hugging them. I just hate seeing them grow up so quickly. I am not sure (it may be my office) but I keep getting these flashes of heat. Boy, if cramps are next, then I am O-U-T!

So, yet another thing to add to the list of why I am the gayest straight guy you know, Tricky. It is like God thought I just got the hang of dealing with women and He thinks I need to know a bit more. That and this pregnant belly! ARGH! Anyway, it is official... I am a woman!

Good times on highway 35

Well, this past weekend, the family decided to go to San Antonio and have a mini spring break vacation. This time the trip consisted of Fiesta Texas where we got Season Passes for the family, cheaper than at SFOT and they work at any park, a couple of nights in a hotel (with a pool!), and a trip to the Alamo and of course Riverwalk.

First thing first - yes we went with just the 7 of us and no, we aren't mental. We weathered DisneyWorld by ourselves, surely San Antonio would be a cake walk. Well... maybe not Cowboy Bill. We went to San Antonio so my wife could do one of her adoption studies. Well, she made the appointment at 10:30 AM, which meant the Magnificent Seven left our abode at 5:00 AM. Thanks to yours truly, it was more like 5:45AM. Interestingly enough, the kids were not bothered by being woken up in order to sit in the car for another 4 1/2 hours. Movies were playing, mom was sleeping, and dad had his ipod on to keep him happy.

San Antonio... what can I say about it? Well, you better get on the ball if you want to look like somewhat of a clean city by the time the Final Four comes around. I mean, jeez... construction, graffiti, buildings that looked condemned - and that was just at our hotel! Seriously, the hotel was not that bad. The pool was heated, but was positioned around a wind tunnel of buildings to create somewhat of an arctic blast motiff. Of course the kids were just stoked to get in the water. #1 is like a fish out of water... all she wanted to do was jump in and do all kinds of breaststrokes, butterfly strokes, etc... Luckily, the twins never saw the pool. They were too busy getting their grimy hands onto every thing that wasn't nailed down in the room. The hotel was nice to us... they gave us free breakfast for having to endure some idiot from DC that had the most sensitive car on the planet. Every time the wind blew, this alarm would go off. From 1:30 AM (when I noticed it) until we left at 11:00 AM that dang alarm would go off and made it darn near impossible not to kill someone. Good times...

So... Fiesta Texas! This place is great and I will tell you why. It lets you buy beer and wine! I am beside myself with this place. Every few feet there is a soda stand followed by a beer stand. It is the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed. The kids loved the park... the twins being able to ride some of the small kid rides and #1 and #2 getting to enjoy most of the big, cool rides. Man, I just had a ball, standing in line with #1, seeing her get excited about her next big adventure. She is amazed by everything... I love that about her. I remember being that way as a kid and I hope that adulthood and life doesn't pull it away from her like it has me at times. My wife says we are one and the same - I think that disappointments in life has killed a part of that enthusiasm. Another thing - traveling with 5 kids (two that are the cutest twins on the planet) is like being a pop star. Your either being pointed at or total strangers come and ask you all sorts of questions. You have your hands full? Are those all yours and are they all girls? Man, you guys are brave... (when I know they are thinking, You guys are stupid!), Do you have your own bathroom or do they make you go outside? You saving up for all those weddings? I used to acknowledge the stares and side comments, now I just ignore it. If someone does come up, I try to be as accommodating as possible. I know it is a spectacle... I am amazed every day.

The Alamo is fun... #1 studied about it last week at school and it was cool to see it through her eyes. Of course, she was a bit puzzled to why it is such a big deal since we lost. It's hard explaining to a seven year old that holding off hundred of Mexican soldiers was a cool feat. Also, it is hard explaining that they weren't all Texans either. I tell you what... that place gets me. Walking around that courtyard, I imagine being back in that time, scared as hell, being all alone with nothing to shield you but those walls. Then I walk out of the garden and see the big neon sign for TOMB RIDER 3 and Ripley's Believe it or Not ride and all is back to normal. If only Davy Crockett knew Lara Croft... then we would be able to talk about the great win in Texas history.

What else? I have gone on forever... sorry... I thought it was cool how the riverwalk had the water green for St. Patrick's Day... then I realized it is always that murky green color. Oh, and for all you bargain shoppers, San Marcos has an outlet center that makes Grapevine Mills look like a neighborhood Walmart. They have every store imaginable and everything is 50-60% off, all the time. My poor wife went window shopping on Monday. Couldn't buy anything because I have decided to give her mad money to the IRS for the next 3 years. Seeing her prance from store to store was depressing.... Coach, Brighton, Pottery Barn, Carters, Children's Store, you name it - they have it. It was a cool site. Just need to win the lottery and let her go bananas. One day, honey.... one day. Then you can be content you let the last 9 1/2 years get away from you with me by your side. I digress....

Besides the dirtiness, the stupid DC car that wouldn't stop honking, the twins getting raisin diarrhea, cutting through Austin rush hour, listening to the Great Muppet Caper, farmer's sunburn I received, annoying my wife, my kids hating being in the car now, and not getting to eat at Casa Ole, it was a great trip. And yes, they are all girls and they are all mine. And I am neither brave or stupid. Just like amusement parks.

Motivation needed for this crappy Wednesday...

This morning, I was driving into work and heard over the radio that some idiot woman tossed her 8 and 5 year old boys off the Jim Miller bridge onto HWY 30 rush hour and it sent me in two major emotional states - complete and utter anger and a disheartening sadness for those two innocent children that will never be the same - and that is IF they survive the accident. I am a man that does not stand up for much. My wife often kids, argues, and complains that my lack of backbone causes a lot of turmoil in her life. But, there is one thing I cannot stand and that is the abuse of children. Not to go on a tirade about it - I had this nasty film of disgust on me during my drive into the office.

Now, for the good part....

I get in and there is an e-mail in my inbox. I am a member of a website for job seekers and the founder of this site sent out to these people to have them keep their heads and spirits up. Some of these people have been out of work for some time. I read the e-mail and God just put a boost of energy and hopefulness in my heart. I hope the 6 of you that read this have the same thing happen to you.

I’ve just re-discovered a YouTube video that reveals the secret to success in your job hunt… or anything else in life. Now, you may have seen this before, but give me just 2 minutes and 44 seconds this crisp March Monday morning, and have a look at this video.

No matter how many times I watch this video, it gets me every time. That, Readers, is the secret to success in your job hunt, your life, or anything else you’ve ever wanted to do, accomplish, or be.

I’d like to ask you to really think about Jason McElwain today.

I’d like to ask you to really think about what he’s gone through in his life—folks telling him he’s different, he’s handicapped, he’s not able to do things the other kids do.

Everybody had their little box; their little box into which they put their preconceived idea of what Jason was capable of and what Jason could be. And maybe sometimes we all feel like we’re in that little box. Maybe sometimes we all get pigeon-holed or typecast or put down a path that we didn’t choose. Maybe that’s why you found your way here to us and to this newsletter; because you didn’t feel that the box that other people had come up with really represented you or what you are capable of becoming. You didn’t feel that that box was fair.

And that’s what I’d really like for you to think about today, Readers, because Jason McElwain is here to teach you something. The lesson of Jason McElwain that we’ve shared this morning is… there is no box.

There are no preconceptions or typecasting or opinions that can ever change who you are. Those are other people’s thoughts, other people’s errors.

And if you have it within you—if you have the talent, or the dream, or the desire, or the smarts, or the capability—if you have it within you, other people’s words are just smoke drifting by in the mid-day breeze. They can’t change you or stop you.

The lesson of Jason McElwain that we’ve shared this morning is that there is nothing stopping you; there is nothing that can hold you back; there is nothing that you can’t achieve if only you know you can achieve it.

So please, Readers, let’s be humble. Let’s be humble today and learn from Jason McElwain.

Sure, as a subscriber to this $100k+ jobs newsletter you are in the top 10% of the American workforce today, and in the top 1% of all successful professionals across the globe. But, today, let’s be humble, and let’s learn just this one lesson from a determined, enthusiastic, amazing, beautiful kid in upstate New York…

There’s nothing stopping us—nothing at all.

Well, that didn't work...

Well my friends, 3 days is the max.

I arrived at #2's soccer practice today to have my wife jump in front of me and demand that I kiss her for going 3 days without. WTH!?!? So she does notice! I guess that type of affection has to be handle up on daily. So, my quest is over, and worse off, it didn't send her in to a tizzy. In fact, after giving me a nice kiss, she quickly reminded me that it didn't mean I should go back to the begging, pleading, bartering for sexual favors. Why even bother kissing then, right? kidding... sort of.

They call me the slacker....

Well, tribe... it has been a long time. What can I say? I just feel like I don't have the time that I would like to put into this. Frustrating....

Here are the highlights of my month so far....

1) #2 shoved a wadded up name tag up her nose and didn't tell anyone until her nostril got infected. After 15 minutes of parental surgery, we pulled said name tag out of her nose only to have her let us know that at NO time did she stick anything up her nose.... well, after unfolding it to have the name tag show, she quickly remembered and her reasoning for not saying anything was, "well, the other one I shoved up other nose came right out." Very amusing I suppose, until we found out that it was 8 days earlier when she stuck it up there. You can't make that stuff up.

2) Poker night - last Friday, got a very seldom guy's night out. Went to Tricky's to play cards (1 hour of real poker, followed by 8 hours of Abilene Guts). Good times because Browner came home with over $100 that he didn't have before GOOD TIMES! Bad times was watching the sloth attack of Wells and Chad fighting over a silly $7 pot. So... these two mammoths go pushing each other resulting in Tricky screaming (sight I thought I would never see) and Chad charging out of the house. It would have been very dramatic if it weren't for two minor things - Skelty sitting there in between the two of them, drinking his beer as if he were just watching a movie and Chad storming out only to get caught up with Sophie the wonder pug and apologizing to the "puppy dog" on his way out. Way to make an exit, Scarface.

3) Found out that as happy as I was to be out of debt, the government has put me right back in with a stupid mistake done by yours truly. My wife is right, there are some things that I am good at (mind you she couldn't list any at that moment), but money just ain't it. I can FIND ways to spend money.

4) I have a quest. I could go into the reasons why I am on this quest, but it is probably better not to at this time. The quest is to see how long I can go with out kissing my wife or trying any advances toward her. She stated the other day that all I ever do is go around trying to kiss her when she is busy (sometimes I do that just to get her going... it's fun, just trust me). And when I am not doing that, I am begging, bartering, threatening, pleading, whimpering to have sex. So.... trying to see how this goes. Juvenile? yes. Immature? of course. But I just checked with Vegas and my over/under is 2 weeks. Can I go two weeks living with my wife like she was a roommate? I think I could actually go a whole month, but one day at time, soldiers! BTW, we are at 2 days and counting!

5) Went yesterday to make sure my vasectomy took. Well, first of all... the doctor I went to does not want to have you "obtaining your specimen" there. So, they give you a cup to use no longer than 1 hour before visit. Of course, I lost the cup they gave me for a specimen. Then after the humiliation for asking for another cup 15 minutes before my appt., I was in a quandary. I am too far from the house and really don't know where to go to obtain such specimen. Let me just tell you something - not a big fan of "obtaining specimens" in any type of public area. I had to go the 8th floor of another building, find a bathroom area that I can lock the door and have some privacy, just to get this taken care of. And another thing, they give you this big gigantic cup.... come on now... you seriously think we need that big cup? So.... as if it isn't embarrassing enough of what I have already said, I go in and the doctor, in front of 2-3 women, pulls out my specimen cup from the discrete bag I was given and holds it up to the light. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?!? I wait in my room, wanting to just die of an aneurysm right there so I won't have to make the embarrassing walk down the hall. Doc comes in and tells me that I still have some live swimmers and that I have to come back in one month. In the meantime... "have lots of protected sex with your wife to get rid of all living". Great.... 1 day into my quest and I have a doctor prescribing sex with my wife. I did ask if he could write it down on a prescription tablet for my wife - a joke I am sure he has heard a million times. Too bad I am on my quest now.

This is my life!

Where the hell have I been?

Well, in true Browner fashion.... I forgot my ID and password. Yes, a smart man would have just hit the "forgot id and password" button, but that is not the way I roll my friends. I am a simple man. I cannot take the two minutes out of my day to hit a freaking button.... I digress....
So...what to talk about. You know, I have about had it with my job. It is like I start over every week. I could have the best week in the world and by Monday, I am back to being at square one with something to have to prove and I just get tired. Tired of proving that I can be the sole provider for my family while keeping it together personally, professionally, and spiritually. I am exhausted when I get home and while my wife does 110% of the jobs around the house, there is always more to be done. The 5 little "angels" seem to get into EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! It is like I am a hamster in that wheel, just running and running and running... How did Forrest Gump do it?

On a better note... we got a Wii on Sunday. This purchase will cause 1 or more of 3 things: (a) my divorce (b) the end of my job, (c) end of my sanity. I love it... it is so simple, but yet so appealing. I highly recommend you try it. I am not the junkie Skelty is with his Band of Halo Brothers, but I do enjoy playing. On Sunday, after the Super Bowl, I whipped my wife's butt on bowling, golf, baseball, and, only to come home on Monday and get waxed by my FREAKING 5 year old who bowled a 169! She is not even able to stand up after bowling, she is so out of control... yet, she destroys me.

SB commercials... while I won't say I hated them all like the masses, I will just point out the things that made me giggle. Andy in drag in the Justin Timberlake/Pepsi one, the giant mouse beating the hell out of that guy with the Doritos (I could just picture Tricky choking on a pork rib as that 200 lb. mouse busts through the wall and delivers a beating to that dude. Crappy commercial, but funny moment. I also thought about Tricky when the baby was creeped out by the clown he had bought with his e-Trade extra coin. For those that don't know, Tricky is a bit freaked out by clowns... that is why when I win the lottery, I am renting a different clown to follow him around every day for a year. Should be minutes of fun. My absolute favorite commercial though was the talking stain... only because the guy interviewing reminded me of Skelty and I could just see him in one of the many interviews he has had in his life with this gigantic stain talking over him. Man, that is some funny stuff. I guess it is better than having you belt open during an interview, right Toby?

There... I got some stuff out of my head. See you guys in two weeks unless I can remember my password this time.